And now, what am I going to do
by Amy Solo
Summary: After Vector Prime and... *sob!* Chewie's death, another H&L moment by a frenchie!!!


Another fiction from the frenchie girl! (yep, another fiction that had been translated from french!) It's again a H/L moment, I hope you'll like it! By the way, did I ever told you that I don't own those characters, the Star Wars universe and all those stuff? Well, it's done! It's the property of M. Lucas, as you probably know it, and no money has been made with this fiction (how surprising!). I'm just a poor french student, and I do this just for my fun and yours...

Please R&R!

All comments, love letters, criticizes, and everything that can be sent by mail are welcome here:

[amy_solo@hotmail.com][1]

Have fun!

Amy Solo

(Once more, thank you Kili Kenobi!!!)

;-)

(If ya want to know who I'm talking about, go here, on the BBS...)

[www.blueharvest.net][2]

And now, what am I going to do?

«No!»

Leia woke up with a start, with beating heart. She opened her eyes in a flash, like an automaton. Was it her who has just cried like that?

She stayed motionless in the half-light, listening to the jerky rhythm of a breath. It wasn't hers.

She abruptly became aware of the situation, and quickly sat down in the bed. After one second of hesitation, she ordered the light to turn on.

On her side, the sheets weren't more stripped than usual… but on her left, the bed really looked like a battlefield.

In the middle of that mess, Han was lying on his side, turning his back to her. He was trying to calm down, and pretending to sleep, but Leia saw his shoulders raising and falling in a terrifically fast way, as if he was having difficulty breathing, burdened by an immense weight.

The Princess put her hand on his arm, and noticed he was burning. She waited for a reaction, a little move, a word, or even a sigh, but nothing came, as if he still hadn't realised she was there. 

Leia kneeled by him, and put her other hand on his chest, to lay him down on his back. Han let her, like a droïd out of order, but kept staring at the wall, so he wouldn'thave to suffer his wife's worried look and her imminent questions.

Leia understood. She held back the questions she wanted to ask him, since she knew the answers, anyway. She shook her head, and tried to dispel any trace of fear or pity, because she knew he would have hated to know that it was what she was feeling for him.

She gently slipped her hand toward his face, and made him to look at her. He resisted a little, but rapidly gave up, overcome by an immense lassitude.

Leia could at last see his eyes, but it didn't reassure her.

He looked crazed, totally terrified. His gaze was like a dagger that somebody had driven driven in Leia's heart and cruelly turned round again and again, just for pleasure to see her suffering.

All that made him Han Solo, the man she loved and she married, had vanished, leaving an empty and desperate being, more vulnerable than a child, frail and without any defence against the cruel tricks of destiny.

He didn't exist anymore. Han Solo was dead on Sernpidal, the day the deadly moon had crashed into the planet, taking with it a whole world…

And his best friend, the one who had always been here to look after him for so long a time that it was hard to remember when their first meeting went back to.

He hadn't been the same since Chewie's death. The Corellian wasn't able to accept it yet. Perhaps he never would.

He was spending his time hanging around, with a lost look that broke Leia's heart. He was trying to be useful, like he wanted to give a sense to his life, and when their children were there, he pretended that nothing had ever happened, as if he was the same man he was before.

But neither Leia, nor Luke, Mara, Lando or even the twins were taken in.

He was in very bad shape.

The only one who didn't notice anything was Anakin, and for good reason… He was in a similar state, in addition to guilt. Everybody, including Han, had told him several times that he wasn't responsible for what had happened, that he had taken the right decision and saved hundreds of lives, but nothing worked, and the young boy was still bearing the burden of Chewbacca's passing.

The father and the son had a very different way of reacting: Anakin was busying himself in work, training with his lightsaber the whole day, without a break, and the whole night, fixing everything he could on the Falcon, trying to resume the repairs that Han didn't finished.

The Corellian, him, was withdrawing. He spent more time in bed, as if he couldn't bring himself to wake up – or rather as if he hadn't any good reason to do so anymore. He pecked more than he ate, he didn't go out of the Imperial Palace, and he didn't even take care of his precious ship, the task falling to his three children who were doing their best for their father to find the Falcon in good shape when he would decide to fly again.

Meals were gloomy. Nobody knew what to say, and most of time, they took place in silence. Han sometimes tried to start the conversation, and began to talk… until he said something like "I'll have to say that to Chewie, he'll enjoy it!" or "If Chewie was here, he would say that…".

Then he stopped, and stayed still for several seconds, an absent look on his face, while everybody was looking down. After that, he stood up and went out of the room – "run out" was closer to the truth.

At night, he was very restless, and had nightmares, waking up crying, like this night. Leia had once come into one of his dreams, and understood that he was always playing the same scene. 

_He caught Anakin, his arms outstretched toward the Wookie who was running to reach the ramp of the Falcon. She saw Han was yelling something, and trying to catch Chewie, at his own risk to fall…_ Every time, just as he was going to touch his hand, the ship was flying faster, and did take off eventually. Then he collapsed on the deck, crying and howling his friend's name, still staring at the place he saw him for the last time. And in each new nightmare, he was closer to succeed in catching Chewie…

Tonight, he had probably succeeded in touching him.

Leia rested one hand on the Corellian's cheek, and with the other stroked his sweating forehead to push away some wet locks.

Han's eyes, which were locked on the ceiling up until then, fell on her. His panting breathing calmed down little by little. He blinked several times, then let out a long sigh.

"I'm sorry" he murmured. Leia held her breath and leant over him, slowly, then touched his lips with her owns. It wasn't one of those passionate kisses they usually shared, but a sweet and tender kiss, only destined to comfort him, and to let him know that she was here for him.

When she felt he was beginning to relax, she parted a little and passed a hand in his tousled hair. She wanted to raise up, but Han put his arms around her neck to prevent her to do so. He took her mouth again with eagerness, holding her so tight that she could hardly breath.

"Han…" she whispered, the sound of her voice quietened by the Corellian's lips. He didn't seem to have heard her, and kept kissing her more passionately. "Han…" she repeated a bit louder, trying to part again. Her husband's arms stayed around her, but loosened her a little.

"Stay by me…" he whispered before kissing her again. Leia answered to his kiss for a little moment, then took advantage of one second where he was holding her less tight to raise up.

Immediately, the glimmer of fear came back in Han's eyes and he quickly caught her by the arm, a little too hard. Leia grimaced, but rapidly corrected herself, for him not to know that he had just hurt her. Too late, the Corellian had noticed it. He removed his hand as if he had burned himself.

"Sorry. I-I'm sorry Leia… I didn't want to… Forgive me, sweetheart… Please, Leia, forgive me…" He looked like a young child who had just done a very stupid thing and who was trying to settle things. Leia tried not to show how much this new side of him disconcerted her, and made a comforting smile.

" Hey," she whispered while gently stroking his cheek, "it's all right… Don't worry about it… It's all right, Han…"

She laid on the pillows, and took her husband by the shoulders to embrace him against her chest, then put back the blanket on them, as far as the middle of Han's back. He was still staring at her in a strangely quiet way, and didn't move an inch. Leia began to massage him, trying to relax his tensed muscles. She let her hands come up to his forehead, and stroke again his hot cheeks. He snuggled up against her, and put his head on her shoulder, hiding his face between her neck and her chin.

She felt him fighting against the wave of well-being that was going through him, but his features gradually began to relax, and his eyes closed.

"Leia…" he said with a hardly audible whisper.

"Yes?" the Alderaani woman answered, hardly more audible, before kissing his forehead.

"Stay by me…" he begged her again before falling asleep.

Leia held him closer against her, if it was possible, hoping she could be able to protect him of all the bad things there were in that galaxy… And there were a lot of them…

The princess looked down on Han. The Corellian's arms were holding her very tight, but not as they usually did: it seemed that he was trying to prevent her from going far from him, as if she was going to run away soon and leave him alone…

She put both of her hands on his back and stroked him, holding back the tears she wanted to shed for him. It would not help him, she reasoned; all she could do was show him how much she loved him, and that she would always be there for him. But she felt so helpless! It was too hard for her to see the man she loved suffering and not to be able to help him… When there was a war somewhere, she could send a fleet, she could fight against a tangible enemy… In this case, what could she possibly do? 

She bit her lip, feeling she was near to crying. At this moment, Han moved a little, letting out a stifled murmur, and hid his face a little more in his wife's hair.

Leia closed her eyes, but didn't managed to sleep for all that; Han was restless, moaning plaintively, frenzied, and she couldn't find sleep knowing he felt bad. She kept him against her and used the Force to drive him into a restful sleep.

She had tried it several times, and she had even asked Luke and Mara, but it was not very effective, moreover very temporary. On waking, everything came back, tiredness, lassitude and despair…

She dived into a Jedi trance, a kind of semi sleep thanks to which she could stay conscious of all what was happening while resting a little. Her senses were fully working, to such an extent that she was able to hear her heart and Han's beating as if somebody was playing the drum in the same room. She noticed that Han's cardiac rhythm has just speeded up; she awoke immediately. He was repeating Chewie's name, crying, like in his dream. Leia hang on him by the shoulders and shook him to wake him up.

"Han!" she said, almost shouting. "Han, wake up!"

She felt again she was going to cry, but once more, she held on, repeating again to herself that it would help neither him, nor her. She kept shaking him until he opened his eyes. He faced her, not totally awake, then noticed the tears that were blurring his eyes. Then he abruptly stood up, and wrapped himself in one of the blankets. Leia tried to caught him, but her hand closed only on an end of cloth. Han was drawn to her a little, and stopped. He stayed motionless for a while, then turned over her with something Leia hadn't seen for a long time and she missed very much. He had on his lips that crooked grin of his…

"Sorry, your Highnessness, but it's not the time to try to undress me…"

Leia was caught by surprise, and didn't know how to react. It was the first time he became himself since…

She stood up too and took his hand, lacing her fingers with his. He headed toward the window to benefit from the blue light it lavished, taking along Leia. Then he laid against the wall, and held her in his arms. He looked down, and embraced her more tightly.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered in her ear. "Sorry about what?" Leia said in a low voice. "Sorry that you're worrying about me… Sorry that everybody's worrying about me…" He sighed. "Sorry I prevent you from sleeping…"

Leia gave a half-smile, and raised her head a little to see his hazel eyes.

"I love you, Han Solo."

She rested her head on his chest, closed her eyes and embraced him tenderly. Han passed a hand in her hair and stroked it softly.

Leia was so happy, that she didn't make a move to break their embrace. A few minutes later, Han parted a little and took her chin.

"What do you think about sleeping, now, my Princess?" he murmured with a smile.

Leia frowned. "What about you?"

"I won't be able to close my eyes anyway. I'll go out and walk a little, I'm sure it'll help."

If he hoped that she was going to accept his lie, he was really underestimating her. Leia didn't answer, gave a soft squeeze to his hand, then went to the large bed. He stayed where he was, lying against the frame of the window, and watched her while she sat down. She smiled to him tenderly, her eyes pleading him to move forward.

"Han… come here…"

He stayed motionless, his arms crossed and his head tilted on one side.

"Han, come with me…" she repeated more softly.

He seemed to consider the pros and cons, and uncrossed his arms. Nevertheless, he didn't make a step in her direction. Leia smiled, shaking her head.

_**You scoundrel, you're really as stubborn as a Bantha…**___

He stared wide-eyed. "Leia, what…what are you doing?"

**If you don't want to listen to me when I talk to you in a traditional way, I have to find other ways to do it, haven't I?**

Han smiled, and Leia felt her heart leap with joy in her chest.

_**Do you… do you hear me when I think?**___

_**Of course, love… when you think… which has never been your strong point…**___

He laughed, and moved toward the Princess.

_**Your Holiness is in mood for fighting?**___

_**Come here, and you'll see…**___

She passed her arms around his neck to pull him closer, and kissed him passionately, with all the love, desire and tenderness she was able to show him. Wanting her as much as she wanted him, he kissed her hungrily, and laid her down on her back. As Leia thought he was going to give himself up, he suddenly sent her another thought.

_**Leia… Tell me you love me…**___

The Alderaani woman started inwardly. He knew she loved him… Why did he ask?

"Han Solo, I love you, only you and forever, and you know it…"

He looked hesitant. Then he took the plunge, with a quiet voice.

"Leia… You'll never leave me, will you?"

The Princess suddenly understood that she was right about him. He was afraid of losing her, like he had just lost Chewie. That sentence he said a little while ago… « _...Stay by me... »_

She stroked his cheek, while he averted his eyes in a guilty way. She raised up his chin, and looked in the back of his dark eyes.

"Never, Han… I'll always be with you, and nothing will ever keep us apart. I love you, remember? You're a part of me, and without you, I feel like I can't breath… I would follow you everywhere, I…" 

Her voice became suddenly hoarse because of the tears she was holding back, and she wiped them with one hand, both smiling and crying.

" I love you, and I can't stand seeing you suffer anymore. Neither can Jaina, Jacen, Anakin, Luke or everybody here. You're not alone, Han… All your friends are here… I'm here. Please tell me what I have to do, and I'll do it, Han; but I don't want to see you like that anymore, 'cause I don't know how I can help you. What do you want me to say? I love you, I'd die for you, I'd send everything to hell for you, don't you know? You often say I'm strong, so strong… too strong. But that's for you, and our family that I want to be strong. And now, I feel so helpless! Love, tell me what I have to do, please…"

Han stayed speechless. He opened his mouth several times, then closed it, unable to utter a sound. Speeches have never been his strong point. So he found another way to tell her without a word what he wanted to, and kissed her again, more intensively than ever, his tears melting with hers on their faces. Their lips eventually parted, and breathless, he stared at her, his eyes telling Leia all he was trying to say.

"Leia… I love you too… and I… I don't want to lose you, you know? These days, I often think that if ever…"

Leia frowned and put one finger on his lips.

"Don't ever say that again. Don't even think it. It won't happen, you hear me? Never." 

"But Leia…"

"Don't say anything else…" Her lips on his prevent him from speaking, and she laid on her back, beside him.

They stayed like that for a long moment, staring at the ceiling as if they could see the stars through it.

"I succeeded in reaching him..."

Han's soft whisper broke the silence. Leia blinked, wondering what he meant. She stood straight immediately after she understood, and knelt beside him. Han stood straight too, and huddled against the Princess.

"You want to talk about it?"

She asked him this question each time, and his answer was always the same. She didn't want to force him, knowing that he would do it if he wanted to, and that it would be better for him if he decided to do it by himself. She had thought that perhaps, tonight he would want to confide in her.

The Corellian let out a long sigh in her arms.

"I don't know."

At least, there was a progress; usually, he would have refused to answer. Leia kissed him softly, and silently begged him to tell her everything. Han remembered what she said a little while ago, and understood the meaning of the look she gave him. So he chose to tell her everything.

"Every night, Leia…" he began softly. "That nightmare that comes again and again, endlessly…" He broke off, and let out a little sigh. "I see him, I hear him and I think to myself that I can just catch him… And I see him running, Anakin in his arms, both covered with blood, I can catch the kid but…" Leia encouraged him by exerting soft pressure on his hand.

"He holds out his hand to me… and I'm going to catch him. Hell, I have to catch him! I have to do it! And each time…" His voice quietened and he snuggled up a little more in Leia's arms. "Each time, the ship accelerate and… he falls, he stands up, with a lot of wounds, but he keeps running… I can see his eyes begging me to catch him, but there's nothing I can do! Nothing! However hard I try to hold out my hand as low as I can, however hard I try to yell to Anakin to move closer of him, I can't save him! He's dead, Leia! Chewie's dead, and it's my fault!"

The princess put her hand on Han's face and noticed that he was crying. She wiped his tears and faced him.

"Han… You are not responsible…"

"I am," he bitterly answered. "I should have saved him. He trusted me, and I let him die. It's my fault." 

"Han, I forbid you to say such a thing!" Leia cried out, distressed by the fact it was hard for her to control herself. " You're not to blame! There was nothing you could have possibly done, you hear me? It's not your fault. It's the fault of that moon for crashing on Sernpidal. Or it's Lando's for asking you to carry out this mission. Or even it's my fault for agreeing to go on this trip…" She raised his chin as she saw he looked down again. "We can't blame anybody for that, Han. It was an accident. It's not your fault, it's everybody's. You didn't know what was going to happen; nobody knew. We can't change anything to the Fate."

" So the Hell with that Fate!" he spat while standing straight and parting from her. "Force, God, or anything else there is above us, it didn't have the right to let Chewie die! No right! It's unfair! Not Chewie! He hadn't done anything to deserve that!" He broke off, and threw himself in Leia's arms, beginning to cry again.

"Why him? Why him, Leia? It had no right!"

Leia hugged him so tightly that she was afraid to hurt him. The Corellian was still sobbing, and she was on the verge of tears too. She stroked his hair, trying to hold back her own sobs. After all, it was true; why Chewie? She had often wondered, without finding an answer… She gently rocked back and forth, and murmured soothing words, but how could she possibly sooth Han when she didn't managed to believe what she was saying? In any case, Han slowly calmed down, and raised his head. As he saw that Leia's eyes were shining because of her tears, a flash pierced his look.

"Leia! Don't cry, Sweetheart… I'm such a selfish jerk… Shh, don't cry…" 

Even if she was trying to contain herself, Leia failed to stop crying, and she snuggled up in Han's arms, as he did in hers. The Corellian embraced her, and whispered some words in her ear. The Princess didn't understand what he was saying, but just hearing his voice soothed her more than any speech could have. Lying there, against his warm chest, she felt safer than ever. She suddenly realised that it was good for him to comfort her; he was exorcizing his own fears, and dispelling his anger…

Leia closed her eyes to benefit from the warmth and the softness of his skin against hers, and for several minutes, fell in a light sleep… She opened her eyes again, and noticed that they were now lying under the blankets, Han in her arms and his head on her chest, as she was gently stroking his forehead, one of her arms around the Corellian's shoulders.

"Ya know, Leia," Han said in a low voice, "he was always here to help me… Each time there was a fight in one of those cantinas, he came to defend me, even when I told him I didn't need him… There were nights…" He sighed lowly "…nights I drank too much, especially after I was thrown out of the Imperial Academy… And then, Chewie arrived, and he began to catch me to take me back to my flat… Each time I moaned and I told him he wasn't my mother. But he always found a… way to convince me to go back home… If only you have saw him growling, showing his sharp teeth to everybody! I'm sure that they thought he was going to crush me!"

Leia couldn't see it, but she was certain that he was smiling. She put down a kiss in his hair, and waited for him to keep telling.

"You know, that scar?" He brushed it lightly with his index finger, and looked pensive for an instant. "If he hadn't been there, perhaps it would have been more serious, and I couldn't even talk about it…"

Leia remembered that story; he had told her many times… but only because she had asked him… It was what he called a "minor conflict" at the time of a Sabacc game, where all the challengers were a little drunk… A Devaronnian, really awkward and who didn't want to lose, accused him of cheating because he had just won the game… Results: some blasters shots, one of which brushing him on the chin, and which would have made a little more than that scar, without Chewie's quick-wittedness…

"With that Devaronnian…" Leia said with a smile.

"Yes… He pounced on me and seriously shook me, ya know? Luckily Chewie was here, or I would have been changed in a "Han Solo mashed potatoes"..."

Leia let out a laugh, glad to see him feeling better.

"I'd rather not… Honestly, you're scruffy-looking enough for me!"

Han smiled as she used one of the first nicknames she gave him, and raised his head to kiss her.

"In every heavy blow, he was here… He had always protected me, and you, Luke and the kids too… It's me who had a life-debt toward him, and since a long time ago… In fact, I must have a hundred of them…"

He broke off, as if he was counting the times where the Wookie got him out of a tight corner… Either he had problems with mathematics, or he had had a life twenty thousand times more dangerous than she believed, the Princess thought as she saw him dreaming…

He moved a little to lay on his stomach, and to face her.

"Leia, what am I going to do without him?" he asked with a voice overwhelmed by sorrow.

The Alderaani put a hand on his cheek and kissed him.

"You will live, Han. And you'll do what you've always done…" She raised her eyes, then looked the Corellian again. "That's what Chewie would want…"

Han sighed, and rest his cheek on her chest.

"I know…" he murmured. "But Leia… it will be so hard! Who's going to help me to fly the Falcon? And who will play Sabacc with me? Who will I call "Fuzzball"? And who…?"

He stopped, his voice becoming hoarse again. Leia gave him a sad smile.

"We'll have to relearn, Han, that's all… Get used…"

"Yes," he repeated as if mesmerized. "Get used…"

He suddenly raised his head and his hazel look met Leia's.

"Leia, what are we going to say to Malla and Lumpy?"

"The truth, Han… We'll say to them that Chewie died heroically, saving the lives of hundreds of people, including our son… He's a hero, darling. On his planet and in the whole galaxy, his name will be worshiped…And all the people who survived Sernpidal's death will never forget his sacrifice. That little boy Anakin and Chewie managed to save just before… before the accident… he'll always know that he owes his life to Chewie…"

Han nodded without an immense conviction… He put his head back on his wife's shoulder, and held her tight.

_** Thanks for all you made for me… Love you, Sweetheart… Love you, Leia…**___

He closed his eyes, and Leia smiled. She kissed him and whispered in his ear:

"I know. And I love you too, Han…"

The Corellian smiled, then seemed to fall asleep. The Princess waited a little, and could see he was in a deep and restful sleep. She kissed him on the cheek, making him stir with a moan of well being.

"I love you," she whispered tenderly before closing her eyes.

   [1]: mailto:amy_solo@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://www.blueharvest.net/



End file.
